My 4-year-old is shy. Painfully shy. Terrified of new people and new situations. We’re talking too scared to eat snack on the first night of Vacation Bible School. It’s rough.

At home though, she’s clever, funny, bold, loud, and clearly knows how to take advantage of being the baby of the family.  It makes me sad that so few other people see it. (Well, maybe not the baby part).

Shyness isn’t exclusive to homeschoolers. Kids across the board can experience fear of new people and new situations. Sometimes it comes in phases, just like the terrible twos and trying threes. Sometimes it’s a years-long struggle.

The question is, how do we as parents help our kids through this phase, however long or short it may be?

I’ve been considering this question quite a bit over the last few months – and it all came into focus when I was watching my 10-year-old run her own business at a Children’s Business Fair. She’s not terribly shy, but she’s not terribly outspoken either. She really hasn’t had many opportunities to assert herself like that before. But there she was, talking to perfect strangers about why they should buy her art.

I was shocked.

You see, her product wasn’t amazing in the field of art. She worked hard on it, it reflected who she is as an artist, but she’s a pretty young artist. Watching her, I realized that her confidence had nothing to do with whether or not the product was good, but everything to do with feeling her own value as a person.

Mom knows best…except for art?

And honestly, who am I to critique art anyway? I can barely draw a stick figure. If I had pressed my own opinions too forcefully on her (and I did try a few times), I may have squashed her confidence before she ever set foot in front of another person. She never even would have had the chance.

In the end, she didn’t sell a ton of her work, but the experience was enough to get her looking forward to next year. She’s already planning what to sell. And it has nothing to do with art. I think she is realizing that she can try just about anything – because she has the confidence to back it up.

Since building confidence has been a big focus in my life right now, I want to share with you what I’ve learned.

When it comes to building confidence in your shy child – or even bolstering confidence in your outgoing child – I recommend these steps to start moving from wallflower to sunflower.

Step 1: Provide Opportunities

Sometimes those opportunities will fall flat, but sometimes they’ll serve to add a new layer of self-esteem and confidence that your child needs. Children won’t always be successful in everything they do. They may not even be successful at most things they do. And that’s ok! But without the opportunity, you’ll never know. And they’ll never get the chance to try.

Ask them questions. Find out what interests them. Is there something they want to try? Do what you can to seek out opportunities to try it. Search for a range of experiences, from individual classes to group classes to a new activity somewhere with you.  And it doesn’t always have to cost something. Get creative.  Gymnastics, music, coding, hiking, bird watching, cooking from a recipe, joining a homeschool playgroup or co-op, art, woodworking, team sports, starting a YouTube channel, gardening, book clubs – you name it – can all be good opportunities to step out of your comfort zone.

The idea is to provide opportunities to do new things or even practice familiar things. Depending on your child, you might walk alongside them in a new activity or environment for quite a while, providing them with a support zone and some familiarity while they work on building their confidence. That’s ok!

Step 2: Encourage & Communicate

You’ve started something new with your shy child tucked under your arm or trying to climb into your back pocket, now what? Trust me, I know these new experiences can make life with a timid one seem like a war zone, but this is where your support is needed most!

Encourage, encourage, encourage. Even a small effort from your child can be praised, and you can walk away from the experience letting them know that you applaud the effort and that next time they might take one step farther. (But if they don’t – that’s ok too!)

Some children will benefit from talking about a new situation before you get there. Let them know what to expect, what they will do, and where you will be. Watch a video of the new activity to provide some context. But some children will build their anxiety off of too much prior discussion, so be discerning about how much they can handle.

Always try to talk about the new experience afterwards. Ask your child what they thought was scary and what they thought was fun. Talk through those feelings and let them know that they have an open line of communication with you! Maybe share times you had the same feelings. Use this opportunity to make a connection, and encourage them to keep trying.

Step 3: Be Patient

Eventually you’ll be able to take baby steps backward as they begin to trust in their own independence. It may take a few weeks, it may take a few years. But that budding confidence is priceless, so invest whatever time you can to help it grow.

And believe me, it takes patience. Sometimes it’s excruciating to hold your child’s hand and walk them to the snack table at playgroup AGAIN. Watching them refuse to speak to others they’ve met a thousand times is frustrating. Enduring them clutching to your legs in an effort to gain your exclusive attention or even just as a security blanket while you try to have a meaningful conversation with another adult… you get the idea. I know how you feel.

But helping them one more time – it’s worth it. (Ok, maybe not when they’re 23 and still asking for you to do their laundry – but that’s another story).

In the End…

All children are different. Personalities are as varied as the number of toys lost under their beds. If your child doesn’t warm up to the idea of being in the spotlight, or even of trying new things, don’t fret. It may take a little more time, but through patience and love you and your child will discover what they’re made for. In the meantime, try to enjoy the journey of walking through the challenges together – even if that involves peeling him off your leg for the hundredth time at playgroup. In the moment, it can become so frustrating and you may feel like you are failing. But as time goes on, your encouragement, love, and perseverance will build a level of independence that is perfect for who your child is meant to be.